If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
