So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
