I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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