when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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