thus making me awesome and them whores
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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