brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
