I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
