I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
