if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
