Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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