tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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