apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
