My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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