My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
