Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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