It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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