i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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