i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
