Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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