somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
