I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
