He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
