This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
