Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You may now shotgun with the bride
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
