And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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