call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
