genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
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