Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
