You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
