proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
