I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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