upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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