I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
