i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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