that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
