We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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