I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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