I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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