wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
