I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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