New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
