i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
