but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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