Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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