Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
