I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
