My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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