Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You're a waste of cheezeits
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
