Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
