I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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