i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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