**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
