god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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