I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
