Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I need a beard to bite.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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