Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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