I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
